the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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