the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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