Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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