He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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