I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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