So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
