I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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