Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
