i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
