he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
