i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
