i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
