Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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