true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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