She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
how drunk are you?
Several
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
