he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
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