Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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