i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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