nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
