Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My pussy is not your playground.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
