just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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