I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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