The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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