I showed him my bush... on skype.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
