Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
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