He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize