i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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