I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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