Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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