when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
