I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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