Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
