Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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