I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
