The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
