Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
