its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
