I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
