she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
