Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
