Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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