i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
