his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
