The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
