omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
