You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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