i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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