On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
