I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
