2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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