i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize