sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
