Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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