come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
