he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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