Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
