I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Randomize
