sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
