I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize