sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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