mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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