Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
