have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
